Rise of the Shitty – Oh fuck it, the movie just sucks

Seriously. If you’re a Fantastic Four fan or even if you don’t know what the Fantastic Four are, don’t go see the new movie.

See, I knew it was going to be cheesy. But damn. Damn. Outside of Stan Lee being denied entrance to the wedding of Mister Fantastic and the Invisible Woman, I couldn’t manage more than a groan to their varied attempts at humor. In its fairly bland story-line, it had plot holes that actually managed to widen the void in my heart. Not to mention rampant advertising was played to a sickening level.

Even the action was tepid at best. Really, it was devoid of anything redeeming, unless you want to see some average to good CGI.

But for posterity’s sake, I’ll give to you a brief playdown of how some of the more tender moments of the movie went.

U hav no chance to survive. Make ur time.

Wut? Noooo. Thar b choices!

Lawl, wut?

Plz. Dun b blowing ups our Earf.

Zomg, u r teh hawtzor.

O rly?

Ya rly.

But for reals, we needs our planet.

O. Well, I is needing to save my planets from teh masterz. Gurl me luv look liek u.

Lawl, wut? Y u not kill teh masterz instead?

K. Gunno go blow myself up inside of cloud Galactus. Bai.

Touching, really.