The Book of Revenant

Dragon Fighter is dogshit. I think DOOM is a better crafted film. In fact, the entire time I watched Dragon Fighter I couldn’t help but think that when the Doom movie was created someone said “I want to take what was started in Dragon Fighter and escalate it to the awesomeness of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson yelling ‘Semper Fi mother fucker!’ And put in a titty.”

Not unlike the singular titty of DOOM: Der Film, as it is known in Germany, there is naught but one dragon in Dragon Fighter, making the title’s accuracy the least of your worries. On second thought, there are multiple “fighters” so to speak, as the main character doesn’t even slay the beast at the end. So even the title is shitty. Fuck.

The plot starts with our hero, Carver, taking this doctor scientist of sorts to a remote laboratory via helicopter. By using his super brain given to him by his two scientist parents, Carver is able to deduce that the lab is for cloning. The flustered doctor scientist then, oh fuck it. This is such a shitty movie I can’t even do the $4 novelization version. I can’t even give you the color pictures from the movie in the middle, either.

Basically, here’s the rundown:
Copter’s fuel line gets fucked. This might be a problem later, the hero remarks. OH NO! FORESHADOWING! Go to lab/base. Meet Russian guy. Lab/base is old American Cold War refuge site. WACKY!

Meet ‘hot chick’/love interest, Meredith, whose puppy turns out to be one of 62 clones. We only ever see the one.Meet rest of crew including drunken Kevin, as seen above with a bat. Bailey, hot Russian ass and master of ‘gene manipulation’ or some bullshit. Cookie, the deaf chef. (HA! I get it.) And then Greg, token black guy who loves animals and hates people. But he doesn’t die first! God bless the advancements we are making in cinema.

Then we get a good twenty minutes of bad cloning jokes, commentary on humans making animals extinct and see that crazy doctor guy has a dragon fetish. Okay.

Anyway, they finally go to clone the mysterious sample brought by doctor guy. It clones super fast. They send in these two guys to go see the sample. Let me note right now that these guys are literally on the screen for 2 seconds, wearing full bio suits. There is crazy sounds are heard as the animal’s cage/bio-cloning-refinery thing is open. Upon inspection, it seems the two guys are dead. OH NOES! The characters will not shut up about these two guys for the rest of the movie. They just go on about their poor lives being lost. Who are these guys? They weren’t in the flick, but they were extremely important, apparently. Especially to Hero-guy who didn’t even converse with them. Whatever.

They go to see what it is, find dragon. Animal lover guy Greg gets eaten. Then the dragon escapes to the outer shell around the lab. What follows is just standard “We have to do this to escape. OH NOES NOW OUR TORMENTER DID THIS SO NOW WE NEED A NEW PLAN.” goes on for too long. Some characters get eaten, others get burned to a crisp.

At the end they do escape, the doctor, main guy and love interest, three. As the lab/base blows up with a force “53% that of Hiroshima!” The dragon of course survives and chases them. Doctor guy, still horny for dragons, takes his digital camera and openning the helicopter door, tries to take a picture. Why not through the glass? Well, it’s a little known fact that digital cameras can’t grasp the light reflected from dragons through helicopter glass. Doctor, of course, gets attacked by his love and falls to his death.

Finally, getting ahold of help, hero asks for jet fighters to come. They try shooting missiles at the dragon, but they can’t lock onto organic beings. So, hero tells them to switch to heat seeking. Okay, but the dragon doesn’t give off enough heat, they say. Using his massive scientist brains, hero somehow makes the gas of the heli spray out onto the dragon, then he shoots a flare gun at it. Dragon is on fire, missile is shot, dragon blows up.

Helicopter is going to crash! But love interest can actually fly helicopters, so she succeeds. Hero and love interest make bad flirting attempts at each other. Agree to go out to dinner “as long as it’s not one of those Chinese places with ‘Dragon’ in the name.” HAHA! Christ…

BUT! At the end we see some guys exploring the ruins of the lab/base. We then discover that, as you may already know, the reason everything costs twice as much when the government builds something is because there is a backup! That’s right, under the lab was another lab! And another dragon is about to be let loose! Sigh.

At least in the credits they mentioned that “No animals, including dragons, were injured in the making of this motion picture.”