Archive for 'Reviews' Category
Metal Gear: Tales of love, betrayal and SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE
3 July 2008This was written a whlie back and I forgot to post it? Oh well. Now that Metal Gear Solid 4 has released a few weeks back and I’ve been waiting for a price drop so my cheep ass can enjoy it, I figured I’d finally get this posted.
Way back in September of last year, I took a trip to Osaka’s beloved Den-Den Town with the intentions of picking various games. While talking with thetrin, I came to the realization that I no longer had a copy of Metal Gear Solid 2 in my possession. A cardinal sin, considering it is one of my most beloved games of all time. My goal was set. Get a copy as soon as possible.
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The Critics become the Critiqued! Penny Arcade Adventures Ep. 1
27 May 2008I’ve been a huge fan of Penny Arcade and have been for years. Their humor just works for me. It’s frightening almost to think about how long it’s been since I started reading this comic. I mean, I was in highschool. Early highschool.
They’ve been making fun of and praising games and the industry behind them. But this past Wednesday saw the release of their own game. So being the loyal fan I am, I bought it.
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Cuttin’ Bitches With Style
12 November 2007
Just finished the Japanese version of Dragon Quest Swords tonight and overall I’m pleased. What is a shame, though, is that DQ Swords won’t get a US release until next year. I think by that time it has a greater chance of getting lost in the shuffle. It’s an early Wii game, and in ways that shows. It’s not the most complex game by any standards, and it’s not all that long. But it offers enough to be a thoroughly enjoyable product. And I’d be hard pressed to call it a cash in. This game is Dragon Quest through and through. While it would have been really easy for this game to be incredibly gimmicky, I can’t really label it as such. The developers had a simple, yet solid goal when making this game and that shines through the whole experience.
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Yippie Kai Yay You Fine Outstanding Gentleman
3 July 2007Tonight I saw Live Free or Die Hard/Die Hard 4.0/Die Hard 4/Die Hard 4: Die Hardest/Die Hard: Reset/Die Hard: Tears of the Sun/Get Hard and Die Happy or whatever its official title is in your neck of the world. I guess I can only say “Yay censorship!”
Well, it wasn’t really that bad. So no one said fuck. Big deal. They made up for it. In fact, I enjoyed it immensely. Here’s a list why:
The Top Ten Spoilerific Reasons I Enjoyed Die Hard 4
10. Maggie Q’s sexy, sexy voice.
Seriously, they now how to start of a movie. Mmm.
9. Mac Guy is not annoying.
Despite being a bonified Apple-whore myself, I find those commercials a little grating. He played the nerdy hacker role really well.
8. Just enough plot to get by.
Very few “What the hell were they thinking?”s glide us through this action-festival.
7. Over the top action that was fun, not funny.
No head shaking, just fist pumping.
6. Kevin Smith makes Star Wars references.
It’s never unnecessary.
5. Maggie Q kicking ass.
Okay, so she ended up losing. We all knew this would happen. It was still awesome.
4. Hopping-guy falling into blades.
Sometimes seeing it coming doesn’t make it any less great.
3. Maggie Q in a tight FBI suit.
Jesus christ.
2. Bruce Willis vs. Fighter Jet.
Seriously. I’m not sure how it happened, but it did. And it was awesome.
1. You guessed it, Maggie Q!
Seriously. Goddamn. I’d let her kick my ass any day.
Where Die Hard 4 Went Wrong
Why wasn’t the other hacker played by John Hodgman (best known as PC guy but a totally awesome author)? Biggest missed opportunity of awesome ever.
I Kicked God’s Ass
20 June 2007
As some sort of vindication for those hours of my youth spent attempting to beat The Final Fantasy Legend, I decided to tackle the game once again. I kicked its ass.
Well, kinda. There was a reason I had such troubles as a youth. The game is a bit random at times and obtuse at others. There are basically 3 kinds of characters to make. Human, mutant and monster. Humans get their stats upgraded by, get this, quaffing potions related to the stat. So, you can kill hundreds of enemies, but not until you drop a few thousand gold can you see an upgrade in their stats. This includes hit points, which are a bitch because there are four classes of HP potions. Once the stat reaches a certain value, that level of potion only grants 1 HP. And since the game boasts an old style shop/inventory system, it can take forever to up HP.
Mutants gain stats similarly to the characters in Final Fantasy 2. Use certain weapons or skills increases your chance upping stats. Dandy! Except, each mutant has four of their inventory slots dedicated to skills (every character gets 8). Not a big deal until you realize you have no control over their skill growth. After any battle, any skill can be replaced with any other skill. All too often I ended up in situations like this. That ESP skill? Does nothing as far as I can see. There are also apparently healing skills in the game, but I never fucking saw one.
As for monsters, well they are pretty much static until you have them eat the bodily remains of your slain foe. Even choking down powerful monster meat doesn’t seem to guarantee the best results, so I avoided using them. Might in a replay, because having two Mutants was a fucking hassle.
The game itself is relatively short. There are four relatively small worlds to explore and a tower to climb in between them. Despite this, there are a few things that make the game drag. The poor interfaces of shops made buying and selling a hassle. Battles are so wordy that even I found them a tad grating at times, even on the fastest text speed. An interesting quirk to that is it seems the text speed also effects the in game dialogue procession. Cut-scenes fly by in a blink of the eye as there is no “Press a button to proceed” moment between lines.
In the end, for a portable RPG made back in ‘89, I gotta give it props. I’m kinda hot and bothered to try the WonderSwan Color remake. If enough things were tweaked properly, this could be a damn solid game.
Final Fantasy Mystic Quest - Not Poo?
26 May 2007
Final Fantasy Mystic Quest was made with love. Not the “I want you to be happy” kind but the “Aw shit, I’m not sure if the kids still believes in Santa Clause, so on Christmas Eve let’s play recordings of some fat man saying ‘Ho, ho, ho’ so they will believe” kind. The end result isn’t as shitty as people may have led you to believe.
Baten Kaitos Origins: Hard to Hate, Hard to Love
11 February 2007I do not think I have ever finished a game that has frustrated me as much as Baten Kaitos Origins did.
But I never gave up.
Hotel Dusk Makes Me Want To Eat Pork
3 February 2007As if I needed something more to play on my DS, Nintendo dropped Hotel Dusk: Room 215 into my life. The fact that my DS backlog is fattening to a point of pure awesomeness is a point to address, but I’ll save it for another day. What you need to know now is the following:
Hotel Dusk is awesome.
More is Less
30 December 2006Can I get a whoop-whoop from the other Floyd fans in the audience?
No? Fuck you.
So, yeah, if you’re a Pink Floyd nut, like myself, you’ve probably listened to their album More. And you probably thought it was sweet as hell if you like their wacky shit, or you stopped listening after you realized it wasn’t like The Wall. Right?
So, maybe the fact that the album More is a soundtrack for a movie of the same name has passed into your knowledge base. Maybe you thought about acting on it. Let me provide you with a quick checklist to see if you’re ready.
Do you enjoy the more random music of Pink Floyd?
Do you enjoy seeing European people getting high and fucking?
Do you want to see Mimsy Farmer’s tits?
Do you want to see Klaus Grünberg’s cock?
Do you want to see Mimsy Farmer’s tits while she dances in front of a windmill while you worry that Klaus Grünberg will show you his cock again?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, More might be for you. Granted, Mimsy’s breasts can hardly be labeled such. I think I have larger man-boobs on my bad days. But, boobs they are and I salute their appearance. Time and time again. I think there’s almost a good forty-five minutes of footage in this film of her melons.
The movie is basically a “Hey kids, lets get high and have a good time!” film for the first half or so, but the second half is damn haunting. Damn fucking haunting.
I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but if you want to see an interesting take from the sixties on the ups and downs of drug use, this film delivers.
And the soundtrack is fuck-all awesome.
Red Steel: Through Shit, I Have Hope
25 December 2006Red Steel for the Wii isn’t very good.